The Ramones had it right

Sleep is the best or it used to be. The quiet before sleep is now the time for all of the thoughts I avoid during the day to come to the forefront. Now no matter how tired I am when the night settles all the yuck comes rushing in. I think of all of the sad or awful things I unwilling saw during the day. A picture of a starving polar bear from Nat Geo on Insta, a head line on Yahoo about some evil person killing their child….

One sound can trigger a thought spiral of potential dangers. Last night a helicopter went through the neighborhood and I started to worry about who they were after, what if someone or many someones broke into the complex, how would I protect London… then a plumbing pipe rattled and it sounded like distant gun fire. The spiral continued until I was teary-eyed, sleepless, and wanting to throw up.

I’ve been trying not to take my anxiety meds every night because they can be addictive. My Dr says we’ll worry about that if we get there but for now they are the best option. At this point I still can’t fall asleep or sleep without nightmares. So given the options…

I wanna be sedated.

Fake it til you make it

I find that I spend a lot of time just trying to be a person. I get awkward when people ask how I am. I don’t know how to answer that question. All responses either seem too light or too intense.

It’s been a couple of months so things should be getting better and I guess they are kind of. I had the worst nightmare since Vegas about 4 nights ago. It impacted my entire next day. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I heard the gunfire again and I was trapped in a building this time with 2 friends and a baby. There was no where we could go. Even dream me was like “you have to be fucking kidding me, another shooting!?! S was so wrong, odds schmodds ” But in the dream I was even more trapped. It was like my mind took the reality of the event and tried to make it an even worse situation. Which is so not cool and I don’t think it is helping the healing process at all.

I do take anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep but I don’t take them every night because the opioids crisis has me a little freaked out too.

It’s so hard to know what to do to feel better and how to deal. I still can’t listen to country music which make me sad. But I can listen to other kinds of music now which is great!

So I guess it’ll be slow going and a lot of faking it til I make it.