Final Destination

I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in this movie. Or maybe I am just still hyper sensitive and this stuffed happens all the time but I never noticed….

I just got back from Austin, I was there during the start of the serial bombings but didn’t realize it until I got an alert on my phone on my way to the airport.

Just now I was heading into Marina Del Rey to run an errand and was quickly ushered out of a parking lot because of a bomb threat near the store I planned to enter. I immediately tracked down my daughter and her nanny at a grocery store across the street to make sure they went home.

All I can say is that I’m staying away from the garbage disposal and keeping the hair dryer as far from the bath tub as possible.

To top it all off, there was another school shooting this morning. WTF.

2 Steps Back

Well yesterday sucked and not because it was Valentine’s day. Another shooting at a school. Nowhere is safe. Politicians suck and do nothing. People are becoming desensitized because this is the new normal. How did we get this fucked up?

Just when I thought I was making progress. I went back to Vegas for the first time since the shooting.

Day 1: I was a bit dark and did not feel like partying

Day 2: Got super drunk and cried myself to sleep

Day 3: Went back to the scene that night and retraced my steps. All the way to the room I hid in at Hooters.

I achieved some version of closure from that trip but it’s hard to maintain when the world is dying one bullet at a time all around me.

 

 

 

Don’t nod at the fish

Big day today, flying to Vegas for the weekend. The first trip back since the shooting. I am nervous…

Side Note: My office has a rather large fish tank in the hallway. I walked close by it yesterday to throw something away in the trash can nearby. When I turned back around there was an odd looking yellow fish swimming toward me head on. I gave the fish a nod and a hi. I realized what I was doing just in time to see a woman walk by. She gave me some serious side eye. Apparently greeting fish is weird.

The Fish Tank….there is a big friendly yellow guy in there somewhere.

They are not waving at you

I know it’s only whatever time in the morning but it’s already a good day. Even though it’s rainy in LA (which is actually kinda nice). But today represents the SECOND night in a row that I slept through the night without drugs and didn’t have any nightmares!! Woohoo. Progress. It’s about f’ing time.

Side note and learning opportunity: Since it has been raining in LA everyone is freaking out, traffic lights stop working and people drive 3 miles per hour. The digital signs on the side of the road literally say ” It’s raining, Drive slow”. So on my way home last night I am at an intersection, the light is out so the police are directing traffic. I get to the front and am watching the traffic cop…he starts moving his hands and I. WAVE. BACK. *he was not waving at me, I am a moron, he was motioning for me to drive the car*

Cop:   

Image result for police directing traffic

 Me:

Image result for waving gif funny

 

 

2018 Finally.

Never have I ever been so happy to see the end of a year. Jeeezus 2017 was rough. Except for the wonderful 3 weeks we spent in Asia. That was amazing.

I brought up the idea to go back to the scene to confront all of the lingering trauma. S & M are down for a quick trip to Vegas later this month but now that I brought it up I am not sure I’m up for it.

Although I think 2018 is going to be a year of change so maybe I just suck it up and go. Get it over with. I’m tired of thinking about all of it and want to move on.

The Ramones had it right

Sleep is the best or it used to be. The quiet before sleep is now the time for all of the thoughts I avoid during the day to come to the forefront. Now no matter how tired I am when the night settles all the yuck comes rushing in. I think of all of the sad or awful things I unwilling saw during the day. A picture of a starving polar bear from Nat Geo on Insta, a head line on Yahoo about some evil person killing their child….

One sound can trigger a thought spiral of potential dangers. Last night a helicopter went through the neighborhood and I started to worry about who they were after, what if someone or many someones broke into the complex, how would I protect London… then a plumbing pipe rattled and it sounded like distant gun fire. The spiral continued until I was teary-eyed, sleepless, and wanting to throw up.

I’ve been trying not to take my anxiety meds every night because they can be addictive. My Dr says we’ll worry about that if we get there but for now they are the best option. At this point I still can’t fall asleep or sleep without nightmares. So given the options…

I wanna be sedated.

Fake it til you make it

I find that I spend a lot of time just trying to be a person. I get awkward when people ask how I am. I don’t know how to answer that question. All responses either seem too light or too intense.

It’s been a couple of months so things should be getting better and I guess they are kind of. I had the worst nightmare since Vegas about 4 nights ago. It impacted my entire next day. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I heard the gunfire again and I was trapped in a building this time with 2 friends and a baby. There was no where we could go. Even dream me was like “you have to be fucking kidding me, another shooting!?! S was so wrong, odds schmodds ” But in the dream I was even more trapped. It was like my mind took the reality of the event and tried to make it an even worse situation. Which is so not cool and I don’t think it is helping the healing process at all.

I do take anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep but I don’t take them every night because the opioids crisis has me a little freaked out too.

It’s so hard to know what to do to feel better and how to deal. I still can’t listen to country music which make me sad. But I can listen to other kinds of music now which is great!

So I guess it’ll be slow going and a lot of faking it til I make it.

House Swap

Excited and terrified to announce that we are officially in escrow for a new home.

It’s about 2 blocks away from our current condo. The funny this is that the seller of the place we are buying decided he wants to buy our condo. Real life house swap, where is my reality show?? The tricky bit is that we now we have to figure out how to move out and in at the same time he is moving out and in.  Synchronized moving trucks.

Like this but with moving trucks and boxes

 

Cat Videos and Beer

I had the opportunity a few weeks ago to attend the World Series when the Dodgers played in LA. Normally, I find baseball intolerably boring but the series had set itself up to be pretty entertaining.  We were given tickets to game 2 and I didn’t think twice about going. Joe was stoked because his former pitching coach from high school, Brent Strom, was the pitching coach for the Astros. (this was fun because Joe called almost every pitch) Since we were going to a sporting event it didn’t occur to me that I might be walking into an upsetting situation. My Dr prescribed anti-anxiety meds which I take as needed (turns out I don’t know when I need them) and which I did not take that evening. Big mistake. I was fine right up until we got to the entrance of the stadium and then a fighter jet did a pass overhead that startled me considerably.

Me = Cat, Toaster = Jet.   Not cool.

scared-by-toaster

But I managed to put a vice grip on Joe’s hand and walk in anyway. Stupid jets.

We walked into the crowded tunnel around the stadium, noisy people and cops all around . Now this was a normal crowd of excited fans but my brain couldn’t get past the crowd, cops and noise.  Instead my mind  went back to the last place I’d seen lots of cops with people running around yelling. I essentially lost my shit. So I did what any girl would do and went to the safe zone that is the bathroom for a bit. I was determined to get through this anxiety attack without having to leave the game. I came back out after about 10 or 200 minutes and went to get a beer. I didn’t have my anxiety meds on me, so next best thing, right?

We found our seats and sat down. Joe put his phone in my hand. A phone streaming with the longest compilation of cat fails ever. The man knows me well. I watched cats falling off tables while I sipped my beer. I tried not to look around because the steep stadium seating with the limited exits really freaked me out. It felt like a very familiar fish bowl that I didn’t want to be in. I texted S and M ( we have an ongoing group text that for a long time was a day by day check-in to see if any of us were spiraling *not into a weird sex fetish, that is just their initials. geeezz) it was my turn to freak out and for them to talk me off the ledge. S always goes back to the “what are the odds of something like that happening to us again” reasoning.  But as I looked around, my head was saying ” UMM PRETTY DAMN GOOD, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SET-UP??? IT IS LITERALLY SHAPED LIKE A FISHBOWL ?!?”

After another beer and more videos and texts. I finally started to calm down. And wouldn’t you know it the baseball game actually started to get interesting. The volley of home runs had started and I was distracted finally.

Game 2 Dodgers vs Astros – probably around the 8th inning-ish #instagramlife

World Series 2017 Game 2

That experience was so awesome ( I mean that both sarcastically and literally) that we decided to go see Game 7 as well. That time I was prepared and knew what to expect. Also appropriately medicated. I felt better too because the seats were in the open versus being in the loge under cover. The bummer part of the evening was that the game SUCKED.

Great Seats, Crap Game

World Series 2017 Game 7

This experience helped me realize how real my PTSD is from Vegas. I’ve also become much more aware of my surroundings, noting exits and potential escape routes in crowded areas. Now Joe points out all of the bullet proof areas of the airport…I don’t know if that helps or hurts.