We are at fucking war in our own country. No where is safe. Schools, Restaurants, Clubs, church’s, walking down the street.

We are the next refugees. I would happily seek safe haven in another country right now.

Now I have to go pitch new business like nothing is wrong. FML and fuck this country.

Final Destination

I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in this movie. Or maybe I am just still hyper sensitive and this stuffed happens all the time but I never noticed….

I just got back from Austin, I was there during the start of the serial bombings but didn’t realize it until I got an alert on my phone on my way to the airport.

Just now I was heading into Marina Del Rey to run an errand and was quickly ushered out of a parking lot because of a bomb threat near the store I planned to enter. I immediately tracked down my daughter and her nanny at a grocery store across the street to make sure they went home.

All I can say is that I’m staying away from the garbage disposal and keeping the hair dryer as far from the bath tub as possible.

To top it all off, there was another school shooting this morning. WTF.

2 Steps Back

Well yesterday sucked and not because it was Valentine’s day. Another shooting at a school. Nowhere is safe. Politicians suck and do nothing. People are becoming desensitized because this is the new normal. How did we get this fucked up?

Just when I thought I was making progress. I went back to Vegas for the first time since the shooting.

Day 1: I was a bit dark and did not feel like partying

Day 2: Got super drunk and cried myself to sleep

Day 3: Went back to the scene that night and retraced my steps. All the way to the room I hid in at Hooters.

I achieved some version of closure from that trip but it’s hard to maintain when the world is dying one bullet at a time all around me.




Don’t nod at the fish

Big day today, flying to Vegas for the weekend. The first trip back since the shooting. I am nervous…

Side Note: My office has a rather large fish tank in the hallway. I walked close by it yesterday to throw something away in the trash can nearby. When I turned back around there was an odd looking yellow fish swimming toward me head on. I gave the fish a nod and a hi. I realized what I was doing just in time to see a woman walk by. She gave me some serious side eye. Apparently greeting fish is weird.

The Fish Tank….there is a big friendly yellow guy in there somewhere.

They are not waving at you

I know it’s only whatever time in the morning but it’s already a good day. Even though it’s rainy in LA (which is actually kinda nice). But today represents the SECOND night in a row that I slept through the night without drugs and didn’t have any nightmares!! Woohoo. Progress. It’s about f’ing time.

Side note and learning opportunity: Since it has been raining in LA everyone is freaking out, traffic lights stop working and people drive 3 miles per hour. The digital signs on the side of the road literally say ” It’s raining, Drive slow”. So on my way home last night I am at an intersection, the light is out so the police are directing traffic. I get to the front and am watching the traffic cop…he starts moving his hands and I. WAVE. BACK. *he was not waving at me, I am a moron, he was motioning for me to drive the car*


Image result for police directing traffic


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2018 Finally.

Never have I ever been so happy to see the end of a year. Jeeezus 2017 was rough. Except for the wonderful 3 weeks we spent in Asia. That was amazing.

I brought up the idea to go back to the scene to confront all of the lingering trauma. S & M are down for a quick trip to Vegas later this month but now that I brought it up I am not sure I’m up for it.

Although I think 2018 is going to be a year of change so maybe I just suck it up and go. Get it over with. I’m tired of thinking about all of it and want to move on.

The Ramones had it right

Sleep is the best or it used to be. The quiet before sleep is now the time for all of the thoughts I avoid during the day to come to the forefront. Now no matter how tired I am when the night settles all the yuck comes rushing in. I think of all of the sad or awful things I unwilling saw during the day. A picture of a starving polar bear from Nat Geo on Insta, a head line on Yahoo about some evil person killing their child….

One sound can trigger a thought spiral of potential dangers. Last night a helicopter went through the neighborhood and I started to worry about who they were after, what if someone or many someones broke into the complex, how would I protect London… then a plumbing pipe rattled and it sounded like distant gun fire. The spiral continued until I was teary-eyed, sleepless, and wanting to throw up.

I’ve been trying not to take my anxiety meds every night because they can be addictive. My Dr says we’ll worry about that if we get there but for now they are the best option. At this point I still can’t fall asleep or sleep without nightmares. So given the options…

I wanna be sedated.

Fake it til you make it

I find that I spend a lot of time just trying to be a person. I get awkward when people ask how I am. I don’t know how to answer that question. All responses either seem too light or too intense.

It’s been a couple of months so things should be getting better and I guess they are kind of. I had the worst nightmare since Vegas about 4 nights ago. It impacted my entire next day. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I heard the gunfire again and I was trapped in a building this time with 2 friends and a baby. There was no where we could go. Even dream me was like “you have to be fucking kidding me, another shooting!?! S was so wrong, odds schmodds ” But in the dream I was even more trapped. It was like my mind took the reality of the event and tried to make it an even worse situation. Which is so not cool and I don’t think it is helping the healing process at all.

I do take anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep but I don’t take them every night because the opioids crisis has me a little freaked out too.

It’s so hard to know what to do to feel better and how to deal. I still can’t listen to country music which make me sad. But I can listen to other kinds of music now which is great!

So I guess it’ll be slow going and a lot of faking it til I make it.